Why I let my daughter be selfish

Yesterday at the grocery store I gave my young 4 year old two quarters and a choice:

Ride the mechanical pony for 90 seconds or give it to people who need food (the Salvation Army bell ringer standing 20 feet from said pony).

I told her what was the right decision.

I told her that we don't understand what it's like to not have food but some people don't have enough.

But she asks for quarters every time we go grocery shopping to ride that ugly purple germ-infested pony. I knew there was a battle going on in her heart.

Well maybe not, because very quickly she said in an excited voice 'I'll choose the pony!'.

I took a deep breath, stalling to figure out how to respond.

I reiterated people's needs. I explained we will have many choices in our life to do what we want or do what is best for others. But I told her it's still her choice.

They are her quarters now, after all.

Without hesitation she chose the pony again. I had to honor her free will so reluctantly I grabbed her hand as we walked past the Salvation Army bell ringer toward the purple pony (I was praying they weren't watching as we so plainly chose a mechanical ride over making a donation).

For 90 seconds I watched Avery laugh and giggle riding that stupid thing. I should have given her more than my I'm-kinda-disappointed half-smile but that's what I gave her.

Meanwhile, this whole time, several more quarters were burning a hole in my pocket. We could have chosen the ride and a donation but I wanted Avery to make a choice.

I wanted her to choose generosity.
I wanted her to be selfless.

But I would not teach her a long-lasting life lesson if I forced her to donate the quarters or if I didn't give her a choice at all. Generosity and selflessness can't be taught by guilt trips and punishments.

And so I let her make a selfish decision.

Yesterday I was reminded that my job as her mom is to give her opportunities to choose selflessness and to model compassion.

But the choice is hers.
And ours.