Why I quit affirming my daughter

Well that's partly true. I'm trying to affirm my daughter less. Less 'way to go!'. Less 'you are so beautiful'. Less 'that's amazing!'

Because this summer I realized I had gone too far.

I was sitting on the aged wooden bleachers of large and extremely warm aquatic center where Avery (5 years old) was taking swim classes. She was amazing. No fear. Committed to new things the teacher asked of them. I was so proud.

Every time she'd finish practicing, she'd dart her eyes up to me in the bleachers. I gave a dramatic thumbs-up. I mouthed 'Whoa?! Way to go!' My eye-brows-raised, mouth-gaped-open, bright-eyed-expression of pride every time she did something well. But after a few lessons I realized the pattern. The moment she completed a task, she'd look to me to affirm her. To validate her.

So I stopped.

I stopped cheering. I intentionally stared at my iPhone (cue dirty glares from other parents - not really). And she noticed. After practice one day, with a disappointed look on her face, she said, 'Mom, why didn't you watch me? Why didn't you tell me good job today?' (Cue Full House warm fuzzy music. Life lesson in 3...2...1...) 'Well Avery,

We need to be proud of ourselves even if no one else sees or notices the things we do well.'

There are parents who give no affirmation. No encouragement. No acknowledgement. That's harmful to a child. But I do believe that I'm harming my girls by dramatically affirming all the time. Harming because...

What if she thinks she's only beautiful if someone tells her she is?

What if she needs affirmation from others to feel good about herself?

And a day will come when the words aren't affirming; they're mean. Will negative words impact her like the positive do? Will they define her?

Parenting isn't for the faint of heart. And sure, there's an element of overthinking or nit-picking parenting decisions. But this I'm sure:

My daughters will learn the best kind of affirmation and pride is the kind we tell and feel ourselves.