When He Goes by 'She' - My Meeting with a Sexuality/Gender Expert

Today I sipped a delicious latte in a trendy Portland coffee shop with a stranger named Patrick. Despite not knowing much about each other, we met up to talk about a complicated subject:

Gender identification.

Perhaps biological males that identify as females. Biological females that identify as males. And those who feel they don't fit either. I admit this is unfamiliar, and even uncomfortable, territory for me. Gender seems black and white but for others, like Patrick, it's not that simple.

Simple words like 'she' or 'he' can trigger hurt and misunderstanding; perpetuating feelings of loneliness and isolation. Traditional gender classifications are failing members of our society who don't identify in either of the two buckets or who don't express observable masculinity or femininity. Instead of validating their feelings, I believe Christians in particular (including myself) have been quick to sweep their feelings under the rug of religion. It's safer there because we don't have to wade into the grey. We don't have to try and make sense of it or respond to it because... well... it's confusing. But let me sincerely ask my Jesus-believing friends...

Does supporting LGBTQ individuals (by calling them by their preferred pronoun, for example) mean we're compromising our faith?

A few months ago, while sitting around a campfire, a friend shared with me that all the staff at her organization were suggested to put a rainbow sticker on their office doors to show support for their LGBTQ customers. To her the sticker felt like compromising her belief system. It felt like a public statement of support towards a lifestyle she feels dishonors God. I totally get it. But I told her I'd put the sticker on my office door. For me, the sticker isn't a symbol of supporting a lifestyle (which would be in conflict with my belief system); it's a symbol that supports people. 

(Sidebar: I recognize for many people their sexual orientation is their identity and therefore the sentence above is illogical. However, I see people as complex beings made up of sexual orientation, religion, gender, personality etc - things that are very defining. Just like I can love and support a person who has a different faith than me, I can do the same with someone who has a different sexual orientation or gender identification as me. End sidebar)

But Patrick reminded me this morning that we all crave authenticity - to be our true selves.

He suggested that my friend shouldn't be forced to put up the sticker and feel inauthentic - just like people shouldn't be forced to fit into a certain gender box that makes them feel inauthentic. Solidarity. We have the same feels.

Some people struggle to be understood against stereotypes and assumptions because of their gender or sexual orientation just like I, as a conservative Christian, might feel misunderstood as being unintelligent or lacking compassion. If we've felt the pain and isolation of being misunderstood then we can certainly empathize with people who have been far more severely isolated and marginalized by our society for the last who-knows-how-long. You know what I think our faith community's biggest challenge is?

We're defensive.

We're defensive because we feel like our Truth (belief systems and God) are threatened and compromised if we love others as they are  - especially without an opportunity to profess our theological standings on issues as a preface to our expression of love or support.

But when we feel like our truth needs defending, we effectively make a divide.

We put on our armor, load our ammo, and passionately defend our position as if God's  sovereignty is at risk. And while Jesus warned that we may be hated for our faith (belief system), I don't think he meant for us to wage war. In fact, he said the greatest commandment was to love and implored us to be peace-keepers.

Jesus disrupted the divide. People were perplexed why Jesus spent time with people in lifestyles he didn't agree with (greedy tax collectors and 'sinners' in general). He didn't sweep them under a rug. In fact, he conducted himself in a such a way that they came to him (rainbow sticker on his thatched roof or robe perhaps?!)

This morning's coffee rendezvous with Patrick happened because of two reasons:

1. Recently I've had a few clients that I couldn't confidently classify as male or female and I didn't know which pronoun to use. I wanted to respect and honor them but didn't know how to ask without it being awkward. Thankfully someone referred me to Patrick who has his Masters in Anthropology - an expert in gender and sexuality.

2. I've recently resolved to seek out people with different beliefs or perspectives than I do and to engage in respectful, meaningful conversation with them - mainly with the intent of listening and understanding them. (We so easily gravitate towards people similar to us - which can lead to false realities and inaccurate and painful assumptions about people outside our 'circle'.)

I truly believe that if I don't seek to understand and listen, I am deepening the divide that was never meant to be.

So what makes you uncomfortable? 

Who are you choosing to talk to?

Do you respond out of defensiveness?

Let's be wary of viewing disagreements in gender, faith or sexuality as a threat to our faith.

Let's be courageous in our truth and relentless in our love but never at the cost of the other.