The Dark Night of the Soul

A friend in high school told me once about The Dark Night of the Soul, a book by Saint John of the Cross. My mom brought it up again yesterday morning over coffee. This is how Wikipedia summarizes the book:

In the Christian tradition, one who has developed a strong prayer life and consistent devotion to God suddenly finds traditional prayer extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time during this "dark night." The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them or that his or her prayer life has collapsed. In the most pronounced cases, belief is lost in the very existence of God and/or validity of religion, rendering the individual an atheist, even if they continue with the outward expressions of faith.

Rather than resulting in devastation, however, the dark night is perceived by mystics and others to be a blessing in disguise, whereby the individual is stripped (in the dark night of the senses) of the spiritual ecstasy associated with acts of virtue. Although the individual may for a time seem to outwardly decline in their practices of virtue, they in reality become more virtuous, as they are being virtuous less for the spiritual rewards obtained and more out of a true love for God. It is this purgatory, a purgation of the soul, that brings purity and union with God. Entering this dark night of the soul is commonly referred to in Buddhism as "raising the Great Doubt".

While sipping coffee (well, Chai) with my mom at Chapters, I realized that this spiritual season is good for me. My faith went on auto pilot. What I said and did were out of routine, sheer determination and stubbornness, or out of fear that others wouldn’t respect me. Not out of glad obedience. I wanted to inspire, encourage, and be a source of truth. But somehow it became mindless.

I’m going back to the basics. Reprogramming. Where I might be ‘outwardly declining in practices of virtue’ (ie going to church, praying etc), I am also denying mindless, effortless routine behaviors. I might even argue that you should have been worried about me then, not now! My faith now might be more authentic than it’s been in a while. I wasn’t trying to be fake before, but I was trying to inspire from a place lacking inspiration. I was trying to reflect God without pressing Him. And it left me completely empty.

I refuse to be mindless in any faith I possess.
I refuse to swallow whatever is spoon-fed me.
I will be mindful. I will challenge. I will ask.

And at this time, I’m giving God the only voice in my ‘walk’. Because it’s ultimately listening to others and myself that brought me here- because God was quieter and I didn't strain to listen.

His voice alone will make the sun rise on my dark night.
So I guess I'm waiting.
For him to break through.