Getting curious instead of mad
I am a rule follower, but when I saw the check out aisle for 12-items-or-less, I took quick inventory of the other open 12-items-or-less lanes and decided to break rules. For the record, I probably only had 20 items - all I could fit in one of those (stupid, inefficient extra-wide) carts that doubles as a car for the (sick snotty) kiddos. #askmehowIreallyfeel
"How are you doing?", he asked.
"Good (minus this dang cart). How are you?", I replied.
"So far so good."
(Sound familiar?)
As the machine beeped and items were placed into bags, my mind flashed back to yesterday when I recorded a webinar about storytelling. One of my pieces of advise was:
Be a good question-asker.
This ran through my mind as he filled my cart back up with bagged goods. I looked behind us and noticed no one loading onto the food belt.
Here we go...
"So... what makes you walk away from a shift and think 'man that was a good day at work!'"
He thought for a few seconds and then replied...
"That's a good question... You know, I've been here a long time. I even met Mr Fred Meyer. He said our job was to make people happy. So when people leave happy, that's when I have a good day."
Smart man, I thought. But his answer seemed genuine.
I admitted out loud that the first question that I really wanted to ask was what can ruin his day at work. My guess was grumpy people.
His response hit something tender in my heart. Conviction, perhaps?
He said this: "We live in a unique place with lots of retirement homes and elderly people. Sometimes I'm the only person they have outside contact with that day. So I try to be friendly and connect with them. I wish other people would understand that as they waited."
Daaaaaaaaang.
If you know me, you know I'm not patient. In fact, I debated all morning to get groceries via Click-List so I could avoid the store and lines all together. But something said 'nah, just go in'. I'm so glad I did.
By the end of our conversation, he had shared something vulnerable with me (briefly and appropriately) which led me to writing down on blank receipt paper the name and number of the counselor that I meet with every few weeks.
Because counseling is great. No shame.
You know, I've seen this man for years. I don't know how many times he's checked me out. We've never advanced beyond the 'So far so good' statement.
But today I learned a few things:
1. Connection happens when you aren't in a rush.
2. Asking good questions can foster quick meaningful connections. (Remember my FB post about the Muslim Seattle taxi driver last month?)
3. I need to be more patient and empathetic when I'm waiting in line (ugh).
This reminds me of a FB post I read yesterday of a college-acquaintance who seemed frustrated with Evangelical Christian's support of Trump and made some wide-sweeping comments about their priorities. My initial response, which I posted immediately because I haven't learned my lesson, was "
Sad to hear that. Hurts to read. This is not the church I know."
While that's wasn't wrong, this morning I thought of a better response (does that ever happen to you?!)
So, of course, I immediately posted another one. I asked him if he's reached out to someone he disagrees with, who supported Trump, and personally asked them why they were pleased with the administration.
Much better response.
I heard Quest-Love give similar advice today on a life stream from a College Signing Event at MTV. Considering his political statements before his words of wisdom, I can safely assume he was talking mainly to Trump supporters to get outside themselves.
It does go both ways.
Transforming disappointment and frustration into emotionally-neutral conversation with others is hard, especially in disagreement. It takes practice.
But I'm finally seeing the light. And this feels much better.
I feel less attacked, less defensive, less mad when I decide to feel more curious.
My counselor taught me years ago that there's a difference between interest and position. When it all boils down, I think we all want similar things (interests) but how we get there is different (specific positions). Don't believe the lie we are more different than we are similar. But the only way we reveal this lie is if we engage with others.
When we slow down and become good question-askers.