Ken's Corner: Position versus Interest

(with booming voice) Ladies and Gentlemen....

In the right corner of the ring, representing your specific wants, is Position. It's a lean stubborn fighting machine. Ready to fight tooth and nail to win. To be right. To give you exactly what you want.

In the left corner of the ring, respresenting your values, is Interest. It's a a quieter contestant, training always to stay level headed and grounded no matter who's swinging. Ready to fight to keep what matters most in the center of the ring.

(end booming voice)

Alright, a bit cheesy, but there is a battle between Position and Interest; a battle I didn't understand until Ken explained it to us.

Sometimes we'd communicate well, understand one another, empathize with each other, and still not come to an agreement we both could authentically make around an issue. It felt very much like a stalemate. When we came to Ken, claiming we tried all we could, he explained the concept of position versus interest.

Position is an exact way of thinking. "I want you to be home by 10pm when you hang out with the guys." and "I want to be able to stay out until 2am."

Interest is a deeper value. "I don't like waiting for you to be home and being unable to sleep." and "I don't want to be controlled and have a curfew. I just want time with my guys."

When we focus on our interests, instead of our polar positions, we can be way more productive in our conversations. It allows us room to negotiate instead of standing firm on specifics.

Jake and I went back to the conversation and tried again, this time talking more about our interests. We came to agreements that made us both feel respected. It was a win-win.

It's a battle when you feel strongly towards a position to back out and focus on the interest and be willing to negotiate. But that's what it takes.

To have a happy relationship :)