Ken's Corner- Listening
Listening.
Gosh. Just not my fortay. But I'm learning A TON about it. This applies to my friendships, not just my marriage.
First off, in a conversation someone has to be the listener. You'd think this is a no-brainer. But conversations are destined to be heated arguments when both people are focused on being heard and not hearing. So first thing to learn: accept when I'm to be the listener in a conversation. (I think it's the hardest role, by far).
My job as a listener has 5 parts. Yup. 5.
Fight defensiveness. Man, this is the most important. Even if I'm not verbal about, if I'm mentally shooting down everything Jake is saying while he's talking, I am not listening. This takes so much self control, especially when you don't agree with what the other person is saying. Huge indicator of defensiveness: interrupting. Drat.
Seek to understand. I may not agree with what Jake is saying, but my role is to understand what he's saying. To make him feel heard. (again, this goes for parents or friendships as well)
Make sense of it. I know what he's saying but now I can also make sense why he might feel that way. See things from his perspective.
Empathize. Now I understand and 'get it', but do I care? 'Yes' should be the obvious answer but sometimes this is hard! The fact is, if we love someone, we truly don't want to make them feel frustrated or sad. So even if we disagree with some of the other person's observations or thoughts, we care enough to say 'I want to work this out so you don't feel that way anymore'.
Repeat back. This is soooo cliche but we've seen how important this is. Hearing someone repeat back our thoughts, feelings and requests helps us feel heard. It also allows us to correct any miscommunications. Although this sounds strict, repeating back is also the only time the listener can talk (so far). This 'rule' helps to ensure that bantering back and forth doesn't happen.
That's it. Avoid defensiveness. Understand. Make sense of it. Empathize. And repeat it.
Next week- being the talker! (Yes- there are rules for talkers too!)
(This post may seem so basic and perhaps boring but it has dramatically changed how we work out issues. And let's be honest. You can just skip these blogs if you want!)